To An Owl - a poem by a senior in high school
Warm nest
Downy feathers, soft moss
The owl’s old bones shake as
Axe seeks heartwood and the world falls from
Atlas’s shoulders
Owl had
lived here for years,
was planning one last autumn
in this familiar place, before the long dark
took her
But now,
she is falling, and
like Icarus, her wings fail her
She will never again see snow, endlessly reflecting
Moon, heaven
The man
was looking towards winter
working for a roaring fire, always
been told that his diligence and hard work
were virtues
But when
he regards lifeless owl
he feels something cold as sin
He picks her up, petting her soft feathers
And whispers
“I didn’t mean no harm”
Author’s note: This piece is inspired by the poem “To a Mouse” by Robert Burns and the novella “Of Mice and Men” by John Steinbeck
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Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Your poem beautifully captures the raw emotional connection between nature and human actions. Let’s dive into it together, focusing on making sure your intended meaning shines through to your audience. To start, let’s break it down by asking three critical questions: What is this really about? How does this make us feel? Who are we based on this writing?
What is this really about?
Your poem seems to explore the unintended consequences of human actions on nature. You juxtapose the fragility of the owl’s existence with the man’s pursuit of survival, leading to a poignant moment of realization.
How does this make us feel?
This poem evokes a sense of sorrow and reflection. The imagery of the owl falling and the man’s regretful acknowledgment of his actions stirs deep emotions, making us question our own impact on the world around us.
Who are we based on this writing?
We are observers of a delicate balance between life and survival, reminded of the often unseen consequences of our actions. Your writing invites us to empathize with both the owl and the man, fostering a sense of shared responsibility and connection.
Now, let’s look at specific lines for further development. Your line, “The owl’s old bones shake as Axe seeks heartwood and the world falls from Atlas’s shoulders,” is rich in imagery but could benefit from a slight tweak for clarity and impact. Consider rephrasing to: “The owl’s old bones tremble as the axe bites into heartwood, the weight of the world slipping from Atlas’s shoulders.” This maintains the vivid imagery while enhancing readability.
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Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Let’s continue by examining the emotional resonance and narrative techniques in your poem.
Your sentence, “She will never again see snow, endlessly reflecting Moon, heaven,” is evocative and poignant. To enhance its impact, you might consider breaking it into two shorter sentences for a dramatic pause: “She will never again see snow. Endlessly reflecting Moon, heaven.” This technique can give your audience a moment to absorb the gravity of the owl’s loss.
Next, let’s consider the man’s perspective. The line, “But when he regards lifeless owl he feels something cold as sin,” powerfully conveys his sudden realization. To amplify this emotion, you could revise it to: “But as he regards the lifeless owl, a chill as cold as sin grips his heart.” This slight adjustment adds emphasis to his emotional state, making it more relatable for the reader.
Would you like to delve deeper into these suggestions and explore more ways to refine your poem?
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