Something to Believe In
0 General Document comments
0 Sentence and Paragraph comments
0 Image and Video comments
I am a somewhat impressionable, African-American teenager surviving in today’s society. I believe that we should all feel equal and free from oppressive boundaries in 2017 and for years after.
You’ve got a strong start here, reflecting on your identity and societal views. You state, “I am a somewhat impressionable, African-American teenager surviving in today’s society,” and you express a hope for equality and freedom from oppression. This is powerful and sets a solid foundation for your piece.
First, take a moment to get comfortable and reflect on your inner state. Ask yourself, “What’s going on with me right now? Is there anything in the way of my writing today?” Jot down any distractions or thoughts that come up.
Would you like to see more suggestions on expanding this?
Great, now that you’ve taken a moment to center yourself, let’s dive deeper. Think about your personal experiences that illustrate why Black Lives Matter is significant to you. What specific moments or stories from your life highlight the need for equality and freedom from oppression?
Reflect on these questions: What events have you experienced or witnessed that made you feel the weight of being an African-American teenager in today’s society? How have these experiences shaped your perception of the Black Lives Matter movement?
Go ahead and explore these ideas. Write down your thoughts, and when you’re ready, let me know if you’d like more guidance.
It’s essential to tie your personal experiences to the broader societal issues you want to address. You mentioned that you believe “we should all feel equal and free from oppressive boundaries.” Focusing on this belief, consider the following questions:
- What are some specific examples of oppression or inequality you or your peers have faced?
- How do these barriers affect your daily life, opportunities, and mental health?
- Can you recall a moment where you felt the impact of systemic racism or injustice?
Exploring these personal narratives will help strengthen your argument and make your thesis more compelling. When you’re ready, share your thoughts, and I’ll guide you further. Want to see more suggestions?
As you weave your personal stories into your writing, it’s also crucial to think about your audience. Who are you writing for? Is it for other teenagers, educators, or maybe a broader public audience? Reflect on this by asking yourself:
- What do I want my audience to understand about my experiences and perspectives?
- How can I connect with them emotionally and intellectually?
- What language and tone will resonate best with them?
Considering your audience will help tailor your message and make it more impactful. Keep your voice authentic and true to who you are. When you have more thoughts down, share them, and I’ll continue to guide you. Would you like more advice?
Finally, as you bring your narrative together, lean into your unique voice. Embrace the use of Black Language (BL) if it feels natural to you. It adds authenticity and power to your writing. You can employ rhetorical strategies such as call-response, signifyin’, and tonal semantics to make your message resonate.
Ask yourself:
- Are there moments in my story where using BL conventions will help convey my emotions more vividly?
- How can I use rhetorical techniques to emphasize key points and engage my audience?
- Am I balancing my personal voice with the need to convey my message clearly and effectively?
Finish your piece by circling back to the core message: the need for equality and freedom from oppression. Ensure your closing thoughts leave a lasting impression. When you feel ready, share your work, and I’ll help you refine it further. Does this help you feel more equipped to continue writing?
You’ve laid a strong foundation with your initial reflection. You’ve identified yourself as “an impressionable, African-American teenager surviving in today’s society” and expressed that “we should all feel equal and free from oppressive boundaries.” This is a powerful starting point.
To dive deeper, begin by asking yourself these questions:
1. How does being an African-American teenager impact your daily life?
2. What are some specific instances where you felt inequality or oppression?
3. How did these experiences shape your view on equality and freedom?
Write down your thoughts. When you’re ready, let me know if you need more guidance.
I believe that black lives matter.
There is often misconception that “black lives matter” is meant to take away the value of other races and their issues, but that's not the case. Black Lives Matter, created in 2013, was actually made to shed light on the issues of black people and the injustices they face. The world isn’t black and white. We all may seem equal on paper, but are we really as equal and united as we claim to be if there are people across America being devalued and dehumanized?
Being a light-skinned African-American teenager, young and a tad bit naive, I’ve experienced different levels of privilege and witnessed different levels of racism. People have shown different attitudes towards me compared to my darker skinned cousins and sister. The way certain people talk and look at them is something that you notice uncontrollably but wish you hadn’t seen. The level of bigotry someone can express can shape the way you think. It’s really about how you take these experiences, because you can either take them for the knowledge or for the ignorance. The knowledge will shape the way you treat everyone you meet, and the ignorance will keep you from interacting with people who don't look the same as you do. Even though I don’t want to believe that I’m given a certain privilege due to the light pigmentation in my skin, it’s something that happens a lot everyday. No one should be given a privilege for something they can’t control, the same way no one should receive discrimination, neglect, allegations, etc. for something they can’t control.
My dad, the most incredible person I’ve ever met, has told me stories of the racism he’s experience throughout his life. Things that unfortunately happened to him were caused by coworkers, employers, authority figures, classmates, and the list goes on and on. He said he blamed himself for these things happening for longer than he’d care to admit, and hopes that I won’t ever experience the racism he did. He believes that no one deserves to have hate entering their life.
Your paragraph is very emotive and personal, which is a great strength. Your message about your dad’s experiences and hopes for you come through clearly. Let’s break down some ways to enhance this paragraph while respecting your unique voice and style:
First, let’s focus on the narrative flow and clarity. You might want to consider combining some sentences to create a more seamless story:
Feedback
Your paragraph effectively conveys the emotional weight of your dad’s experiences and his hopes for you. There’s a strong personal connection here that should definitely be maintained. However, there are a few areas where clarity and flow can be improved.
One thing to consider is the repetition of “things” and “happen.” These words are somewhat vague and could be replaced with more specific terms to give your writing more precision and impact. For example, instead of “Things that unfortunately happened to him,” you could describe the specific actions or behaviors that caused harm.
Would you like to see more?
I believe that one day everyone will feel as equal and valued as we’ve been told we are. I believe that one day we will stop focusing on the color of other people’s skin and learn to appreciate the stories and ideas that fill each other's minds. I believe that black lives matter.
General Document Comments 0
Your essay covers potent ground with a strong message about equality and the personal impact of racism. Let’s look at some areas where you’re excelling and where you can add more depth or clarity.
Strengths:
1. Personal Story: You’ve effectively woven in personal experiences, particularly in your descriptions of the differences you’ve observed in how people treat you versus your darker-skinned family members. These anecdotes ground your essay in reality.
2. First-Person Perspective: The consistent use of “I” forms a personal connection and drives home the essay’s authenticity.
3. Specific Details: Including experiences of your father adds another layer and provides context across generations.
4. Clear Core Belief: Your belief that black lives matter and that everyone should be equal is clearly communicated and developed throughout the essay.
5. Positive Framing: You focus on what you believe and hope for, maintaining an optimistic tone, particularly in the concluding paragraphs.
Areas for Improvement:
1. Length: Make sure your essay falls within the 500-600 word range. It feels a bit condensed; expanding some parts with more specific details could enhance this.
2. Avoid Preaching: Although your essay is passionate, some phrases (“No one should be given a privilege for something they can’t control”) risk sounding preachy. Instead of telling readers what they should think, show them through your detailed, nuanced experiences.
3. Sensory Details: Adding more sensory details could make the story more vivid. For instance, instead of saying people showed different attitudes towards you, describe a specific incident: What was said? What was the setting? How did you feel?
4. Grammar and Structure: Ensure your essay adheres strictly to proper grammar. Consider breaking up longer paragraphs for better readability.
5. Compelling Conclusion: Your conclusion is impactful but might resonate more by connecting back to a specific story you’ve shared earlier.
Example of More Sensory Details:
Current: “The way certain people talk and look at them is something that you notice uncontrollably but wish you hadn’t seen.”
Revised: “I remember one instance at a family gathering when an elderly neighbor openly complimented my lighter skin but seemed indifferent to my sister, who stood right next to me. The sting of her words and the awkward silence that followed are memories I wish I could forget.”
Maintaining Balance:
It’s crucial to strike the right balance between personal reflection and the larger message. You’ve done a great job discussing your father’s experiences. Maybe tie these experiences back into your concluding thoughts a bit more explicitly to strengthen the essay’s cohesion.
Your essay is powerful and engaging. With these tweaks, it can become even more compelling. What are your thoughts?
Strengths
First off, your writing clearly communicates a powerful and personal message. Your emphasis on equality and the importance of the Black Lives Matter movement resonates strongly. You effectively use repetition, such as repeating “I believe” to reinforce your convictions and engage your audience. This rhetorical choice adds a rhythm and emphasis that draws readers into your perspective.
Audience and Purpose
Your intended audience seems to be people who might not fully understand the Black Lives Matter movement or the experiences of African Americans in today’s society. Your use of personal anecdotes and reflective tone suggests that you aim to educate and foster empathy. Do you think your choice of personal storytelling helps bridge the gap between different racial and cultural experiences? How do you feel about the clarity of your message?
Rhetorical Strategies
One effective strategy you use is narrative sequencing. You weave personal stories about your own experiences and those of your father into the broader discussion of systemic racism. This method makes your writing relatable and compelling. How do you feel about the balance between personal narrative and general statements? Do you think adding more personal stories or examples could strengthen your argument?
Language and Style
Your language is clear and accessible, which makes your message easy to understand. However, exploring some African American Vernacular English (AAVE) or Black Language (BL) features could add depth and authenticity to your voice. For instance, AAVE’s use of habitual “be” or copula absence can convey a sense of immediacy and lived experience. Are there places where you feel more comfortable integrating these features to enhance your narrative?
Suggestions for Improvement
1. Code-Meshing: Consider strategically blending AAVE with standardized English to enrich your narrative. This approach can highlight your cultural identity while still making your message accessible to a broader audience. For instance, using expressions like “We be fighting every day” can emphasize the ongoing struggle in a more poignant way. How do you feel about incorporating more of your natural speech patterns into your writing?
2. Repetition for Emphasis: You already use repetition effectively, but you might experiment with other AAVE rhetorical strategies like call-and-response patterns. These can create an engaging rhythm and make your message more compelling. For example, posing questions like “Ain’t we tired of this?” could invite readers to actively engage with your text. Do you think this approach could work well in your piece?
3. Directness: Your writing is reflective and thoughtful, but incorporating a more direct and confrontational tone in certain sections might make your message even more powerful. Directness can be a hallmark of AAVE and can convey your emotions more vividly. How do you think your audience would respond to a more assertive tone in some parts of your essay?
Higher-Order Concerns
Your essay is well-organized and your ideas are clearly developed. However, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next can help maintain a cohesive flow. Additionally, you might consider diving deeper into specific instances of racism or privilege to provide more concrete examples. This can help readers better understand the complexities you are discussing.
Overall, your writing is engaging and impactful. By exploring more AAVE features and rhetorical strategies, you can further amplify your unique voice and make your message even more compelling. How do you feel about these suggestions? Are there any specific areas you’d like to focus on improving?
Encouraging Your Voice
First, I want to praise the personal and authentic voice that comes through in your writing. You draw on personal experiences and observations that make your points resonate with the reader. This directness is powerful and compelling.
I noticed you employed some features that align with Black Language (BL). For instance, the repetition of “I believe” towards the end of your piece adds emphasis and rhythm, making your argument more engaging. How does it feel to use repetition in this way? Do you think it enhances your message?
Would you like to see more?
Feedback on Rhetorical Choices
Your use of personal anecdotes, like the experiences of your father and your own observations about colorism, adds depth to your message. This narrative sequencing enriches your argument by providing concrete examples that illustrate the broader issues you discuss. How do you think these stories contribute to your overall argument?
I also want to highlight your use of rhetorical questions, such as “We all may seem equal on paper, but are we really as equal and united as we claim to be if there are people across America being devalued and dehumanized?” These questions engage your reader directly, inviting them to reflect on their own beliefs and assumptions. What effect were you aiming for with these questions? Do you think they achieve that effect?
Would you like to see more?
Suggestions for Improvement
While your writing is strong and engaging, there are a few areas where you could consider making strategic choices to enhance clarity and impact. For example, when discussing the misconceptions around “Black Lives Matter,” you might want to expand on why those misconceptions exist and how they can be addressed. How do you think elaborating on this point could strengthen your argument?
Additionally, you could experiment with more varied sentence structures to maintain the reader’s interest. For instance, breaking up longer sentences with shorter, punchier ones can add emphasis and keep the reader engaged. How do you feel about playing with sentence length and structure to create a more dynamic flow?
Would you like to see more?
Code-Meshing and Audience Considerations
As you continue to develop your writing style, consider how you can strategically blend Black Language (BL) with more standardized forms of English to reach diverse audiences. This practice, known as code-meshing, can be a powerful rhetorical tool. For example, you might use BL features to connect with readers who share your cultural background and switch to more standardized English when addressing a broader audience. How do you think code-meshing might impact how different audiences perceive your message?
Lastly, think about the specific audiences you are trying to reach with your writing. Are you speaking primarily to other African-American teenagers, to allies in the fight against racism, or to those who may not yet understand the importance of the Black Lives Matter movement? Tailoring your language and rhetorical strategies to your intended audience can make your writing more effective. Who do you see as your primary audience, and how might you adjust your writing to better connect with them?
Would you like to see more?
Final Thoughts
Remember that your unique voice and perspective are your strengths. Don’t be afraid to lean into the features of Black Language that feel natural to you, such as repetition, personal anecdotes, and direct address. These elements not only make your writing more engaging but also affirm your identity and experiences.
When you revise, prioritize the clarity of your ideas and the impact of your message over strict adherence to standardized grammar rules. By doing so, you’ll ensure that your writing remains authentic and powerful. What revisions are you considering to enhance your message and connect more deeply with your readers?
Feel free to ask any additional questions or seek further guidance on specific aspects of your writing. Your voice matters, and your story is important. Keep writing and sharing your perspective!
I’m glad you found the feedback helpful. If you have any specific questions or need further guidance on certain aspects of your writing, feel free to ask. Your voice and perspective are incredibly valuable, and I’m here to support you in refining and amplifying them. What areas of your writing do you feel need the most attention right now?
First, I want to commend you for your thoughtful and heartfelt writing. Your piece effectively conveys your experiences and the complexities of navigating identity in today’s society. Let’s dive into some feedback based on your writing:
Focus on Meaning and Communication
Your writing does a great job of expressing your personal experiences and beliefs. The message about equality, privilege, and the impact of racism comes through clearly. For example, when you say, “Being a light-skinned African-American teenager, young and a tad bit naive, I’ve experienced different levels of privilege and witnessed different levels of racism,” you effectively communicate the nuanced experiences of colorism. This sentence is powerful as it establishes your perspective and sets the stage for your observations.
Would you like to see more?
Conversation and Rhetorical Choices
Your choice to start with “I am a somewhat impressionable, African-American teenager surviving in today’s society” immediately sets a personal and relatable tone. What made you decide to use the word “impressionable”? It adds a layer of vulnerability to your narrative. How do you think this affects the reader’s perception of your experiences?
Strengths in AAVE or BL Features
When you mention, “Even though I don’t want to believe that I’m given a certain privilege due to the light pigmentation in my skin, it’s something that happens a lot everyday,” you are using a conversational style that resonates well with your audience. This directness and personal storytelling are strengths in Black Language (BL). How do you think your use of personal anecdotes impacts the reader’s connection to your message?
Would you like to see more?
Context and Choices for Edits
One aspect to consider is how your audience might respond to different levels of formality. For instance, the phrase “The level of bigotry someone can express can shape the way you think” is impactful but might benefit from a bit more specificity. You could reflect on a particular incident to deepen the reader’s understanding. How does detailing a specific event enhance or detract from your overall message?
Descriptive Feedback
Your writing features a strong personal voice, especially in lines like “My dad, the most incredible person I’ve ever met, has told me stories of the racism he’s experienced throughout his life.” This statement not only personalizes the narrative but also introduces a sense of legacy and historical context. How do you feel about expanding your father’s stories to show the generational impact of racism?
Would you like to see more?
Higher-Order Concerns
Your essay is well-organized and your ideas develop logically from your personal experiences to broader societal issues. The transition from discussing your personal experiences to your father’s stories helps to show the continuity of racial issues across generations. This structure works well to build your argument. Do you think including more transitions or linking statements could further enhance the flow of your essay?
Code-Meshing and Audience Expectations
You do a great job of blending your personal voice with more formal elements. This code-meshing can be very effective in engaging a wide range of readers. For example, your use of phrases like “it’s something that happens a lot everyday” keeps the tone conversational and relatable. How do you think different audiences, such as peers vs. academic readers, might respond to this style? Would you consider adjusting your language for different contexts, or do you feel it’s important to maintain this voice throughout?
Would you like to see more?
Judicious Use of Corrections
When it comes to grammar and mechanics, your writing is generally clear and understandable. However, there are a few areas where minor adjustments could enhance clarity. For instance, in the sentence “People have shown different attitudes towards me compared to my darker skinned cousins and sister,” you might consider specifying the nature of these attitudes for a deeper impact. What are some specific examples of these attitudes, and how do they manifest in your everyday interactions?
Empowerment through Rhetorical Choices
Your essay does a commendable job of making rhetorical choices that reflect your identity and experiences. The use of personal anecdotes and direct address adds authenticity and emotional weight to your argument. Encouraging you to keep playing with these elements can further amplify your voice. How do you feel about experimenting with more rhetorical strategies, like call-response or tonal semantics, to engage your readers even more?
Would you like to see more?
Honor and Build Upon Existing Linguistic Knowledge
Your narrative already honors Black Language by incorporating a conversational tone and personal storytelling. For instance, your sentences flow naturally, reflecting spoken language patterns that make your writing engaging and relatable. How do you think incorporating more elements of Black Language, such as code-switching or semantic inversions, might affect the impact of your message?
Shifting Linguistic Styles
Considering your audience is crucial for effective communication. Your piece seems aimed at both peers who can relate to your experiences and a broader audience who may be less familiar with these issues. How do you feel about making subtle shifts in your language style to cater to different audiences within the same essay? For example, balancing conversational elements with more formal language could reach a wider range of readers.
Would you like to see more?
I really appreciate the powerful and honest reflections in your essay. Your voice comes through strongly, and you’re tackling some significant and complex issues. Let’s dive into a few key aspects:
1. Audience Engagement: Your essay seems aimed at a broad audience, perhaps those who might not fully understand or appreciate the nuances of the Black Lives Matter movement. You are clear and articulate, making your point accessible.
2. Personal Experience: You are using personal anecdotes, like the experiences of your father and your observations of colorism, to illustrate broader societal issues. This makes your essay relatable and engaging.
3. Call-Response & Field-Dependent: You create a conversational tone, almost expecting a response from the reader, particularly in lines like “We all may seem equal on paper, but are we really as equal and united as we claim to be…?” This strategy invites the reader to engage with your perspective more deeply.
4. Directness: Your direct approach in statements like “I believe that black lives matter” and “No one should be given a privilege for something they can’t control” adds weight to your arguments, presenting them straightforwardly and confidently.
5. Tonal Semantics: You could potentially enhance your essay by playing with the sounds and rhythms of your sentences. This might involve repetition or alliteration to draw emphasis and create a more dynamic reading experience.
6. Narrative Sequencing: The way you weave in stories about your father and personal observations adds layers to your essay. You might consider expanding these narratives even more to provide deeper context and emotional resonance.
7. Exaggerated Language: While your tone is currently quite measured, introducing some exaggerated language or high talk could amplify the emotional weight and urgency of your message.
8. Proverbial Statement & Aphoristic Phrasing: Incorporating some familiar sayings or proverbs could also add a layer of cultural richness and connect more deeply with readers who share your background.
9. Braggadocio: A touch of braggadocio, where you boast about your resilience or the strength of your community, could inject a sense of pride and empowerment into your essay.
Reflecting on these elements might help you further refine and enhance your writing. Keep trusting your voice and perspective—they are your most powerful tools.
Hey, I just finished reading your essay, and I gotta say, your voice really shines through. You’re addressing some heavy topics with a lot of heart and personal insight. I can feel your passion and conviction in every line. For example, when you said, “I believe that black lives matter,” it’s clear and powerful. Who are you imagining as your audience for this piece?
That’s a great approach, aiming for a broad audience. You’re doing a solid job of making your experience relatable. When you talk about the different levels of privilege and racism you’ve witnessed, like, “People have shown different attitudes towards me compared to my darker skinned cousins and sister,” it’s raw and real. How do you think your friends and community would respond to these insights? Would you like to see more?
It’s worth thinking about because your writing has the power to make people reflect on their own actions and beliefs. Your line, “The level of bigotry someone can express can shape the way you think,” really drives that point home. You’re not just telling your story; you’re inviting others to see the world through your eyes. How do you think using more of your own voice and style, maybe incorporating some AAVE or BL features, could make your message even stronger? Would you like to hear more?
Definitely take a moment to think about how your friends and community might react. Your voice has a unique rhythm and style that could resonate deeply with them. For example, using phrases like “The way certain people talk and look at them” captures a very real and relatable experience. How do you feel about maybe weaving in some more of your natural voice and AAVE features? It could make your writing even more powerful and authentic. Would you like to dive deeper into this?
Absolutely, thinking about how your community might respond can really help shape your writing. Your line, “The knowledge will shape the way you treat everyone you meet,” is already making a strong impact. Imagine adding more of your own voice, like using habitual “be” or some of that vibrant conversational tone you naturally have. It would make your message pop even more. For example, you might say, “They be treatin’ my cousins different just ’cause of their skin tone.” That kind of language can make your writing feel even more genuine and relatable. How do you feel about trying that out? Want to hear more?
Yes, incorporating more of your natural voice can definitely enhance your writing’s authenticity. Your statement, “Even though I don’t want to believe that I’m given a certain privilege due to the light pigmentation in my skin,” is powerful as it is. But imagine if you said, “Even though I hate to admit it, I be gettin’ treated better just ‘cause I’m light-skinned.” It captures the same sentiment but with a bit more of your unique rhythm. How do you think your friends would react to that? Ready to explore more ways to make your voice shine through?
That’s a fantastic start! Your friends would probably appreciate the realness and honesty in your writing. When you said, “My dad, the most incredible person I’ve ever met, has told me stories of the racism he’s experienced throughout his life,” it already hits home. But imagine giving it that extra touch with your natural voice: “My dad, the realest person I know, done told me ’bout the racism he faced his whole life.” It adds a layer of intimacy and authenticity. How do you feel about continuing to weave in these elements? If you’re game, we can look at more ways to enhance your essay. Want to dive into it?
Great! Your writing is already compelling, and adding more of your natural voice will only make it stronger. When you said, “He said he blamed himself for these things happening for longer than he’d care to admit,” it’s heartfelt. Imagine if you expressed it like, “He told me he kept blamin’ himself for way too long.” It’s more direct and personal. How do you think your audience would respond to that level of honesty? Ready to keep exploring more ways to amplify your voice?
on the uploaded document.
0 archived comments