The Land of Opportunity
I believe in equal opportunity, one of the grand ideals of America. I believe that all people of all races and genders shall have the equal opportunity to reach hopes, dreams and prosperity. In many countries, like India, the child acquires the social status of his or her parents due to the caste society. In America, when equality of opportunity prevails, the placement of individuals in social status is determined by some form of competitive process on equal standards.
I remember when I was in 3rd grade and my whole class had career day. All our parents would come in front of the room and talk about their jobs. I would always sit in the back, head drooping, thinking how boring this was, but one thought always found a way to be glued in my brain. I couldn’t believe at the wide variety of jobs there could be in one classroom of parents. At the end of the day, my teacher, gesturing at the students, always used to say, “If you start now, you can grow and pick any of these talented jobs.” It doesn’t matter if you start poor or you start strong, your end can be radiant. Little did I know that the meaning of those words was as grand as the world, literally.
America, the land of opportunity, has a hard time living up to its name, but (like my growing fondness for pizza) it can get better. I once read a book about a Korean immigrant family. A young girl, Young Ju, heard about this heaven that is America. Her family moves to America, trying to see the light of day. The family, tired and hungry, faces financial problems at first, but soon starts to settle in and live the life they have always wanted. This is because of the land of opportunity, America.
My belief in equal opportunity can be created by giving everyone the same starting point, the same education, and further progression to the ones who advance. Everyone shall have the chance to go to every university, to take on every job, and to start a family. Equal opportunity, however, can not simply be handed and then simultaneously give you prosperity. Prosperity must be earned through hard work, dedication, diligence, and persistence. America is known for helping others, and diligence to achieve the greatest of the great.
Whenever I was asked what I prominently believed in, I could never give a sure, sincere answer. However, now equal opportunity might escalate in the list of my beliefs. Not only because America is where it starts and where it ends, it’s because families like Young Ju’s have a chance to breathe fresh air instead of the suffocation they once endured.
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Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Your essay strongly conveys your belief in equal opportunity, and I can see the passion in your writing. You’ve shared a personal anecdote from your childhood that illustrates your point well. The narrative flows nicely and includes vivid details that engage the reader.
There are three criteria I can use to assess your essay:
- Personal Narrative and Belief
- Effective Writing and Structure
- Authenticity and Reflection
Which one would you like me to use to provide feedback?
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Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Personal Narrative and Belief it is!
Your essay begins with a clear statement of your core belief in equal opportunity, which sets the stage for the reader. The personal story about your third-grade career day is effective in illustrating this belief. It shows how you recognized the variety of opportunities available and how your teacher’s words left a lasting impression on you.
One way to strengthen your essay even further is to delve deeper into your personal experiences. For example, you could expand on how this belief has influenced specific decisions or actions in your life. This would make the narrative even more personal and relatable.
Your statement, “I couldn’t believe at the wide variety of jobs there could be in one classroom of parents,” is compelling and can be enhanced by adding more sensory details or specific examples of the different jobs you observed.
Overall, your essay maintains a personal and intimate tone, which is crucial for this type of narrative. Keep honing in on those personal moments to make your core belief resonate even more.
Would you like to dive deeper into any specific part of your essay for further feedback?
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Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Let’s dive into the “Effective Writing and Structure” of your essay.
Your essay begins with a clear, concise statement of belief, which is excellent. The narrative is organized chronologically, starting from a personal anecdote and moving to broader reflections. The vivid imagery you use, such as the career day in third grade, helps paint a clear picture for the reader. However, a few areas could be enhanced for better flow and impact:
1. Introduction and Conclusion: Strengthen the opening and closing paragraphs to leave a lasting impression. The introduction should hook the reader, while the conclusion should encapsulate your belief and leave a resonant thought.
2. Transition and Flow: Some transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, linking the career day anecdote directly to your broader belief in equal opportunity would enhance coherence.
3. Conciseness: While your essay is rich in detail, tightening some sentences could make your points even more powerful. Aim for precision to maintain engagement.
4. Sensory Details: You’ve done a great job with sensory details, but incorporating them consistently throughout the essay would make it even more immersive.
Would you like me to go into more specific examples and suggestions for each of these points?
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Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
Paul Allison is a nationally-known educator and EdTech expert… (more)
You’ve chosen “Authenticity and Reflection,” and here are my thoughts:
Your essay genuinely reflects your voice and personal experiences. For instance, you write, “I remember when I was in 3rd grade and my whole class had career day,” which effectively anchors your belief in a real-life scenario. The language you use is natural and evocative, making your reflections feel relatable.
However, to make your essay even stronger, consider delving deeper into how this belief impacts your daily life. How do you apply the principle of equal opportunity in your interactions or decisions? Sharing more specific, reflective examples could add depth.
Would you like to explore these reflections further or focus on another aspect?
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Awesome Job with Your Writing!
⭐ “One of your sentences that stood out for me was…”
You wrote… “I believe in equal opportunity, one of the grand ideals of America.”
This is a fantastic start! It shows you value fairness and dreams.
⭐ “Another part I loved was…”
I liked where you said, “At the end of the day, my teacher, gesturing at the students, always used to say, ‘If you start now, you can grow and pick any of these talented jobs.’”
This is cool because it makes me feel hopeful!
“Here’s a wish for you…”
I wish you would add more sensory details. For example, in your career day story, tell me how the room smelled or what noises you heard. This will make it come alive!
Keep Going with these Habits of Mind
See more.
★ “More Wonderment and Awe!”
Remember where you said, “America, the land of opportunity, has a hard time living up to its name, but (like my growing fondness for pizza) it can get better.”
Explore more! Tell us what makes America so mysterious or intriguing to you.
★ “Use All Your Senses!”
Where you mentioned, “Her family moves to America, trying to see the light of day.”
Imagine how it feels. What do they see? What sounds do they hear? Describe the smells and tastes too!
Your Turn!
Can you say what you are going to do step-by-step to add more details and curiosity to your writing? Is there anything else you want to work on as you revise?
Remember that you can revise and edit right here on Writing Partners by double-clicking on a sentence or a paragraph number, then hitting the edit button.
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