college application essay: glass shards
Glass shards are very sharp, but they come from something fragile. They come from something so beautiful and versatile. Glass can be used for many different things: glass wear, eye glasses, windows, bottles, mosaic artwork…the list goes on and on. Glass can be used to create and it’ll still be the same thing, no matter what state it’s in. In a way, that’s what I am.
Life has constantly thrown things my way that I’ve had to overcome. For instance, my stomach has random flairs that feel like I’m constantly being put in fire, which causes me to be temporarily immobile. I’ve had to focus on pushing past this struggle many times while in my soccer games and at school. I’ve had to deal with this pain and watch what I eat- causing a restrictive diet. My restrictive diet is influenced by soccer and the possibility of having Celiac disease.
For months I wasn’t allowed to eat anything with wheat : bread, crackers, cake- nothing of the sort. It was really challenging at first, I mostly just ate salad- every day of the week. It would be salad for lunch at school, because there would be some type of problem with my stomach. Sometimes the pain would be so bad I would just lay on the ground… wherever I was. An example of this would be when I was laying on the stairs during soccer practice (before I was deemed a manager due to an incident I’ll touch on later) I laid there for around five minutes, the pain felt as if a thousand bees had stung me. It came to the point where I had to crawl up the stairs to get back to practice. Around three people saw me laying down; It was an extremely painful and humiliating experience. It took a heavy toll on my mental health, which caused me to have to talk to my therapist. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see my therapist which only made it worse for me. And when I did, it didn’t do much to improve my anxiety. As a result, my parents became upset with me because of the decrease in my grades.
This led to me having several crises, which led to the incident: my first scrimmage. I was yelled at a lot by other players due to the fact that I knew next to nothing about soccer at first. The coaches deemed it fine, that they’d teach me all I needed to know. However, it proved to be a challenge. My skills or the lack thereof made me feel as if no matter how hard I tried it would not be enough. It did not help that my stomach was practically destroying itself, the pain (physically and emotionally) kept building until I couldn’t take it anymore. This caused me to have a panic attack in the middle of the scrimmage. One of my teammates was nice enough to call a break. The assistant coach approved the break, but the head coach didn’t. This led to confusion and the head coach’s annoyance later on. This led to probably one of the most difficult ways to defend myself. It led to her texting me to find out why, she says it wasn’t a good excuse. I then proceeded to not be invited on the team at first, but as a manager. I first started as this manager then I later became a part of the team through luck (two of our players quit) and dedication.
Though I felt as if I was seconds away from fainting, I got back up again. Unfortunately, this digestive issue will likely continue to affect me long term because of the impending biopsy for a conclusive diagnosis. Even with celiac I will continue to persevere. I refuse to let celiac define me, control my life and stymie my creativity. I’m fragile just like glass, but I’m unbreakable.
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You’ve already made a powerful start by drawing detailed comparisons between glass and yourself, but your thesis statement could connect the object and your identity more boldly. To strengthen this connection, make your thesis statement explicitly state how your qualities mirror those of glass: emphasize your fragility, beauty, versatility, and the ways you adapt or remain true to yourself, just like glass in its many forms. In your current draft, you say, “In a way, that’s what I am,” but you can be more direct—show your reader that you’re not just like glass, you are glass in the way you navigate the world, experience change, and maintain your essence.
Now, if you want to take your thesis to the next level, you could focus on clarifying your message, tightening your imagery, or planning how to transition from this metaphor to your personal story. Which path sounds right for you—or do you want to explore all three? Let’s smash through the surface and see what shines underneath! What’s your step-by-step plan for making your “so what?” section unforgettable, and is there anything else about your essay you want to work on while you revise?
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This is a great question about tightening your imagery—especially with such a vivid metaphor already at play in your draft about glass and your own life. When you ask, “What would be the best way to tighten my imagery?” it sounds like you want to make your language more direct, precise, and maybe a bit more emotionally punchy so your reader really feels what you’re saying. One key thing is to show rather than tell: instead of listing all the things glass can do, can you paint one or two strong pictures that carry symbolic weight for you?
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This is a great question about making your writing connect more to your audience, and you already have a really evocative metaphor with the glass—so you’re off to a strong start. When I think about how to make your story feel even closer, even more real for the people reading it, the first thing that comes to mind is: audience connection often comes from building emotion and shared experience right into your sentences. So, let’s look at what you wrote and see where you might go deeper or open up space for readers to see themselves in your story.
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Great question! You’re asking about how to show more pathos and make your paragraph really connect and intrigue your audience. Let’s focus on the heart of your question: drawing out emotion and making readers feel what you’re going through. Looking at your paragraph, you’ve already set up a personal struggle—but there are ways to intensify that emotional impact. Want to see some ideas for making your writing speak even deeper to your readers’ hearts?
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Absolutely, I’d be happy to keep going with more ideas for how you can intensify the emotional impact in your paragraph. When you’re asking about showing more pathos, it’s really about pulling your readers closer into your lived experience—letting them see, hear, and even feel what you’re dealing with. One way is by adding sensory details: describe the pain not just as “fire,” but with language that brings out the sharpness, heat, or unpredictability. Maybe talk about the ways this pain interrupts specific moments—like missing a key play in soccer or feeling isolated at lunch because of your diet.
Do you want to see even more ways to amplify emotion and make this experience vivid for your audience?
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Let’s dig into your question about how to make your writing more intriguing for your audience. First off, just by describing yourself and what you went through, you’re already putting a lot of honesty and vulnerability into the story—which is a huge draw for readers. Your example about laying on the stairs during soccer practice paints a vivid picture, especially with that metaphor about pain feeling like “a thousand bees” stinging you. That’s some real sensory detail!
One way to pull your audience in even more could be to play around with pacing and suspense. For instance, when you mention an incident that led to you being made a manager but say you’ll “touch on it later,” that actually teases the reader—makes them want to keep going! Maybe consider dropping little hints or questions throughout your writing that make people wonder what’s coming next. Also, have you thought about starting right in the middle of one of those intense moments (like lying on the stairs), before giving background? That could hook readers right away.
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Another way to build intrigue in your paragraph could be by layering in some unanswered questions or mysterious details that you circle back to later. For example, when you say “before I was deemed a manager due to an incident I’ll touch on later,” you’re already using a classic narrative move called foreshadowing—hinting at something big still to come. You might amplify that effect by adding just a few more sensory details or emotions right at the moment when things get tough for you physically, and then pulling back with a line that makes readers curious about what happened next (without giving it all away yet).
Would you like more ideas about how to use suspense, pacing, or voice in your writing? Or do you want feedback on how your use of language is working so far for your audience?
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You asked: How should I keep the readers’ interest while giving context? Let’s dive right into your writing and work on ways to hold your audience while also painting that important background. First off, you’ve already got a strong story and some emotional honesty, which is a real hook for readers. When it comes to keeping folks interested as you give context, think about starting with a moment of tension or an image that grabs attention—something that makes people want to keep reading just to find out what happens next.
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Absolutely, I hear you asking how you can improve your style and conclusion in this paragraph. Let’s dig into what’s working first and then open up some ways you might experiment with style, voice, and closure so your writing keeps shining—and connects even deeper with whoever’s reading. I’ll also touch on some feedback based on linguistically inclusive pedagogy, keeping your authentic voice front and center. Want to see more?
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Your question is all about scoring this paragraph for sophistication, so let’s start right there. When we talk about “sophistication” in writing, we’re usually looking at how well you handle complexity—are your ideas layered, are you using figurative language or strong imagery, and does your voice come through in a way that feels both personal and elevated? In your paragraph, I can see those elements working together: you use a metaphor (“fragile just like glass, but I’m unbreakable”), which adds depth; you acknowledge vulnerability and determination side by side; and your sentences flow with a sense of progression from struggle to resilience.
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