Why We Fear Change, and Why It Might Be Exactly What We Need
Author: Patrick McElwaine Psy.D.
McElwaine, Patrick. Why We Fear Change, and Why It Might Be Exactly What We Need. 11-06-2025
Change is hard. Even when it’s the kind we want—a new job, a healthier lifestyle, a fresh start in recovery—it often brings fear, resistance, and discomfort. That might sound surprising, but it’s a deeply human response. Our brains are wired for stability. Change disrupts that stability. It asks us to step into the unknown and let go of what’s familiar—even if what’s familiar isn’t serving us.
Why Do We Fear Change?
Our brains crave certainty. Predictability feels safe—even when it’s painful. Change threatens our routines, comfort zones, and sometimes even our identity. For many, change doesn’t just mean doing something different—it means becoming someone different.
Fear of change is often fear of loss—loss of control, certainty, or a past version of ourselves. But here’s the paradox: The things we fear losing may be the very things holding us back.
When We Avoid Change
I’ve worked with clients who feel stuck. They know something isn’t working—a toxic relationship, an unfulfilling job, a harmful habit. But fear of the unknown keeps them frozen.
Their thoughts spiral:
“What if I fail?” “What if I regret this?” “What if I lose everything?”
These are more than anxious thoughts. They’re protective strategies trying to shield us from pain or rejection. But the cost is often stagnation. We trade long-term growth for short-term comfort. Over time, we disconnect from our goals, relationships, and sense of self.
I’ve seen people avoid change for years—until something finally pushes them forward. And afterward, many say the same thing:
“I didn’t realize how much this was costing me.”
Avoiding change may feel safe—but it often costs us our energy, self-trust, and potential. Staying the same might feel “easier,” but it can mean giving up a fuller, more meaningful life.
Reframing Fear
Fear isn’t weakness—it’s a signal that something meaningful is at stake. Stepping outside your comfort zone, even with fear, is often where growth begins.
One cognitive behavioral therapy-based approach I use is the RAP framework: Realistic, Adaptive, Positive thinking. When fear shows up, we don’t fight it—we pause and explore:
- What is this fear trying to tell me?
- Is it accurate or helpful?
- Is there another way to look at this?
Instead of “I can’t handle this,” we consider:
“I’ve handled hard things before.”
“It’s OK to feel afraid and move forward.”
“Maybe this is about trusting myself more than knowing everything.”
This is the heart of cognitive restructuring—gently challenging unhelpful thoughts and shifting toward ones that support resilience. The goal isn’t toxic positivity—it’s grounded, growth-oriented thinking.
We don’t wait for fear to disappear before acting. We learn to carry it with us. Courage is not the absence of fear; it’s the willingness to act anyway. With each step, our confidence grows—not because life gets easier, but because we begin to trust our capacity to face it.
Let Values Be the Guide
Another shift happens when we focus on values. When we stop avoiding discomfort and start pursuing what truly matters—connection, growth, purpose—change becomes less about loss and more about becoming who we want to be.
Your values act like a compass. They don’t erase fear, but they help point the way forward.
A tool I use often is the Value Card Sort Activity, which is freely available online. Clients sort a deck of values—things like honesty, family, creativity—into three categories:
- Very important
- Important
- Not important
Once these core values are identified, they become a guide for goal-setting, self-care, and decisions about change. When we know what we stand for, we’re more likely to take action aligned with those truths—even when it’s scary.
Taking the First Step
Change isn’t easy. It takes courage, support, and often trial and error. There can be setbacks and even grief for the life or identity we’re leaving behind. But I’ve never heard someone say, “I regret making a change that brought me closer to the life I want.”
More often, I hear: “I wish I’d done it sooner.”
If you’re standing at a crossroads—if fear is whispering in your ear—I invite you to ask yourself:
"What would I do if I trusted I could handle whatever happens next?"
You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to be 100 percent confident. Clarity often comes after the first step, not before.
Progress doesn’t happen all at once. But it does happen—one decision, one act of willingness, one moment of courage at a time.
on the uploaded document.
0 General Document comments
0 Sentence and Paragraph comments
0 Image and Video comments
New Conversation
New Conversation
New Conversation
New Conversation
New Conversation
New Conversation
General Document Comments 0
