Essay Example, using the Breaking Barriers Voice and Audience Coach

Ethos: How your voice builds credibility

• You build strong credibility by sharing real pieces of your life: the neighborhood, your friends’ choices, your dream job. Readers can feel you are telling the truth, not just repeating a definition.
• Your repeated line about who you are gives you a steady, grounded voice, like you are claiming your own character in front of the reader. That repetition is doing ethos work for you, not just sounding pretty.
• Using a well-known figure connects your story to a larger history, which also boosts your credibility, but right now that part feels more like a quick example than a full connection to your own life.

First pathos move: deepen the feelings

• One move you could make is to slow down one moment from your life and really zoom in on what your body felt like in that scene (heart, hands, breathing) so readers feel the fear and courage with you.
• Another move is to let us hear a little of the inner voice in your head in that memory: what were you telling yourself right before you chose to be brave?
• To lean even more into emotional impact, you might pick the strongest memory (maybe the one with the man who helped you) and stretch it into a full scene instead of just a couple of sentences.

If you tried one of these, which moment would you slow down and what tiny sensory detail (a sound, a smell, a feeling) would you add first? If you sketched that in one or two lines, what do you think it would make your reader feel? Want to see some ideas for how to use repetition and rhythm to turn that feeling up even more?

Sharpening Logos (the logic) in Your Essay

• Clarify your main claim: How would you rewrite your overall message about courage as one clear, arguable statement that connects your story, your quote, and Jackie Robinson?
• Add concrete evidence: Where could you plug in specific facts or details about your neighborhood, your choices, or Jackie Robinson (dates, stats, obstacles) to make your points feel more backed up and less general?
• Explain your reasoning: For each big point, how could you add a because/therefore sentence that spells out why that example proves what you are saying about courage?

If you want, next we can zoom in on one paragraph and walk step-by-step through making the logic tighter and more developed there first. Want to try that with one specific paragraph?

Ethos lens on your essay

- Your credibility comes through in three big ways:
– Lived experience in a tough neighborhood
– Consistent choices to do the right thing
– A clear future goal that requires discipline and study

- To strengthen ethos even more, where could you add 1–2 very specific moments that show you choosing courage instead of just saying you did?

- How might you highlight what you have already done (school, family, community, work) that makes a reader trust you can really become that future scientist you name at the end?

Before you revise, write out a quick step-by-step plan:
1) What is one place you will add a concrete scene?
2) Where will you show a bit more about the kind of person you are (values, habits)?
3) How will you make the ending sound like a confident promise, not just a wish?

Do you want to dig in next on: your opening quote and how it builds ethos, the middle paragraph about your neighborhood choices, or the ending where you call yourself courage? Tell me which part you want to work on first and what you want that part to make a reader believe about you.

First moves with ethos, pathos, and logos

• Ethos: One move you can make is to show more of your everyday actions that prove people can trust your voice about courage (for example, moments when you chose school, family, or goals over pressure in your neighborhood).
• Pathos: Another move is to slow down one memory and add what you saw, heard, and felt so readers really feel the fear, hope, or tension with you instead of just being told it happened.
• Logos: You can also add one or two clear “because / so / therefore” explanations that connect your story and Jackie Robinson to your main claim about what courage is and how it shapes who you will be.

Keep going?

If you want to dig in more, we can zoom in on one paragraph at a time and decide: what is my ethos move here, what is my pathos move, what is my logos move, and what could I add or sharpen? Do you want to start by breaking down your intro, your Jackie Robinson part, or the “one day I was scared but brave” moment?

Quick ethos take on your essay

You build ethos by showing three things: your character, your experience, and your values.

1. You show strong character when you talk about wanting to be “more than your surroundings” and choosing “to do the right things” when others did not.

2. Your lived experience in a neighborhood with “crime and violence” gives you credibility when you define what courage is and what it looks like in real life.

3. Your values come through clearly in your dream of being a forensic scientist and your repeated focus on not giving up and facing your fears.

Ethos questions to strengthen your voice

• Where in this essay do you think a reader would say: “I trust this writer, they really know what courage feels like”?
• Is there a moment from your life you could describe in more detail so your courage feels even more real and specific?
• How do you want a teacher or scholarship reader to see you after they finish this—what three words would you want in their mind?

Audience and ethos

• Who are you writing to in your mind right now—teachers, a college, younger kids from your neighborhood, or someone else?
• If you were talking to that audience out loud, what parts of your story would you lean on the most to get them to trust and respect you?
• Are there any details about your choices (school, family, work, community) that would help that audience see your responsibility and consistency even more?

Style, correctness, and ethos

• Your repeated line “I am courage” is a big ethos move because it sounds confident and memorable. How might you build around that line to show, not just tell, why you have earned it?
• Standard English option: “I am courage” → “I am courageous.” Would that fit your purpose and audience, or does the original feel more powerful and personal for you?
• Standard English option: “In my neighborhood, I saw bad things when I was young” is already clear; you could intensify it by naming one specific “bad thing.” Do you want your tone more general (for safety/privacy) or more specific (for impact)?

Next move: deepening your ethos

• Pick one paragraph where you talk about your choices (for example, friends making bad choices, or the day when a man helped you).
• Ask yourself: What was I risking? What did I stand to lose or gain by being courageous here?
• Then, in your own words, add 1–2 new sentences that show that risk or sacrifice more clearly—that is where ethos gets really strong.

Do you want to keep going by zooming in on one specific moment from your essay and rebuilding it to maximize your ethos, or would you rather talk about how your opening and ending could work together to show your character even more strongly?

Ethos Take: How Your Essay Builds Your Credibility

• Personal story as credibility: You build strong ethos by sharing specific pieces of your life (tough neighborhood, friends making bad choices, your dream of being a forensic scientist). Those details make you sound real, thoughtful, and trustworthy instead of just giving abstract ideas about courage.
• Values made visible: You keep showing that you choose “right” over “easy,” even when people around you do the opposite. That repetition quietly tells your reader: you are someone with integrity, persistence, and self‑control, which boosts your moral credibility.
• Role models and identity: Beginning with Christian Larson and Jackie Robinson connects you to respected figures, then you end with “I am courage,” claiming that same quality for yourself. Ethos-wise, that move shifts you from admirer to someone readers can admire, too, because you are living out what you praise.

If you were going to strengthen your ethos even more, would you rather:
A) add one vivid, specific scene from your life that shows you choosing courage, or
B) add a few sensory details (sounds, sights, feelings) to the moment when “a man helped you” so readers really feel like they were there with you?

Big-picture suggestions for ethos, pathos, and logos

1. You already have all three:
• Ethos = your character and credibility (your neighborhood, your choices, your dreams).
• Pathos = your emotions and experiences (fear, hope, wanting to be “more than” your surroundings).
• Logos = your reasons and examples (quote, Jackie Robinson, your own stories).

2. To strengthen each one, here are some moves you might try (all in your own words):
• Ethos:
– Add 1–2 specific details about your neighborhood or a hard moment so readers really see what you faced.
– Show one small everyday choice you made that went against what people expected of you.
– Question for you: What is one moment that proves to a stranger that you are trustworthy, determined, and serious about your dreams?

• Pathos: - Zoom in on your feelings in one key scene (fear in your body, thoughts in your head, what you almost did vs. what you chose). - Use 1–2 sensory details (what you saw, heard, or felt physically) in the “man helped me” story to pull readers in. - Question for you: Where in your essay do you most want the reader to feel your fear, and where do you most want them to feel your pride? • Logos: - Make a clear claim: what are you trying to prove about courage and who you are? - Link each example (quote, Jackie Robinson, your story) back to that claim with a why/how sentence in your own words. - Question for you: If you had to finish this stem, what would you say: “All my examples together show that courage is…”?

Do you want to dive next into:
• sharpening your ethos with one powerful detail about your neighborhood, or
• deepening your pathos in the “man helped me” moment so the reader really feels it with you?

How your ethos is coming across

You come across as morally grounded, resilient, and reflective: you connect a famous quote, your neighborhood, and your future goals into one clear picture of who you are. Your credibility mostly comes from your lived experience (what you have seen and chosen) and your consistency (you keep repeating the idea that you act with courage, not just feel it). If you wanted to strengthen this even more, you could add one or two specific moments where you made a hard choice, so readers see your courage in action rather than just hearing you name it.

Would you like to keep working on how your ethos shows up by (a) adding a sharper sense of who your audience is, or (b) digging into one key scene that proves your courage to that audience? Pick a or b and we will zoom in there next.

Big-picture answer about ethos, pathos, logos

• Ethos (credibility/character): You build this when you describe your neighborhood, your choices, and your dream job. To strengthen it, you could add 1–2 very specific moments that show your responsibility, hard work, or honesty so readers really trust who you are.
• Pathos (feelings): You already use a lot of emotion with fear, danger, hope, and the quote. You could deepen this by slowing down one powerful scene (like the man who helped you) and adding sensory details so the reader can feel what you felt.
• Logos (reasons/logic): You hint at a logical line: tough neighborhood → you make good choices → courage → future goal. You could make that clearer by explaining why courage is necessary for becoming a forensic scientist and how your past choices prove that.

If you wanted to revise only one of these appeals first, which seems most important for this essay’s purpose and audience: making the reader trust you (ethos), feel with you (pathos), or follow your reasoning (logos)? If you choose one, I can help you design 2–3 very targeted moves in your draft to boost it next. Do you want to keep going and zoom in on one of these appeals together—almost like we are “forensic scientists” examining your own writing for clues about your courage?