Essay Example, using the Breaking Barriers Voice and Audience Coach
Author: Argellis (a former U School student)
“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.” This quote by Christian Larson reminds me that courage helps us face challenges.
Growing up in a tough neighborhood with crime and violence, it was hard to stay focused. But at home, I learned that where I come from does not decide who I will be. I want to be more than my surroundings.
Courage means doing something even if you are scared. Jackie Robinson showed courage by becoming the first Black player in Major League Baseball. He proved that passion can help you keep going no matter what.
In my neighborhood, I saw bad things when I was young, but I chose to do the right things. Some friends made bad choices, but I did not want to be like that.
I am courage because I always try to do what is right. I do not give up and I face my fears. I want to be someone different from what others expect.
One day, I was scared but brave. A man helped me, and even though I was afraid, I kept going. That moment taught me what courage means.
Courage helps me reach my dreams. I want to be a forensic scientist and not let anything stop me.
I am courage.
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Thanks for sharing your essay! I’m going to give feedback based on the student-friendly language from the [U School Rubric – ELA.4 Write Informative Texts](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0177/U_School_Rubric_-ELA.4_Write_InformativeTexts.pdf), and I’ll compare your writing to [Argellis’s Breaking Barriers essay](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0178/Argellis_s_Breaking_Barriers_essay.pdf) to help spotlight your strengths and possible next steps. Let’s walk through your writing in six focus areas.
Hook – How does the writer grab your attention?
Your essay starts with a quote about believing in yourself and the importance of courage. This is a solid strategy for grabbing the reader—quotes can be powerful hooks. Like Argellis, who used a meaningful quote at the beginning of their essay, you bring readers in by connecting big themes to something familiar and inspiring.
Do you want to see how your thesis and organization stack up next, or would you like to pause here and talk about different ways you could open with even more voice or surprise?
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Let’s keep going and look at your thesis and how you organize your main idea!
Thesis – What’s the main point of the essay?
Your thesis shows up in your first two paragraphs: you suggest that courage is what helps you rise above hard circumstances. You say, “Growing up in a tough neighborhood…where I come from does not decide who I will be. I want to be more than my surroundings.” That tells the reader your essay will be about overcoming obstacles with courage. The [U School Rubric](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0177/U_School_Rubric_-ELA.4_Write_InformativeTexts.pdf) asks for a focused, specific thesis that previews your main points. Argellis’s essay also sets up a strong thesis early, letting us know they believe “courage is about overcoming fear no matter what your situation is.”
Your message is clear and heartfelt! If you want to push it further, you might think about spelling out what you’ll explain or prove—like listing or hinting at the main ideas you’ll cover, so the reader knows what to expect.
Would you like to look at your supporting stories/examples next, or pause to brainstorm ways your thesis could set up your main points even more clearly?
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Let’s dive into your supporting ideas and stories, since that’s what you asked about in your original question!
Supporting Ideas – What examples or stories show courage?
You include personal experiences about growing up in a neighborhood with crime and violence, but learning at home that you can be more than your environment. There’s a strong moment where you describe seeing friends make bad choices, but deciding to do the right thing yourself. You highlight your own perseverance (“I am courage because I always try to do what is right. I do not give up and I face my fears”). Then, you talk about a specific frightening moment when a man helped you, and how that taught you about courage. These are all great real-life examples that put your main idea into action.
Argellis’s essay layers stories and personal moments too—like when they recall being offered drugs at a young age or facing danger growing up, and how those events shaped their sense of courage. Both essays use specific memories to make the meaning of courage real for the reader. According to the [U School Rubric](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0177/U_School_Rubric_-ELA.4_Write_InformativeTexts.pdf), strong informative essays use connected details and examples that support the thesis. You’re doing that!
Want some questions and prompts to stretch your story details even further? Or should we check out how your transitions connect these ideas?
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Alright, let’s zero in on your transitions—since that’s what you asked about from the start!
Transitions – How are ideas connected?
You move smoothly from one idea to the next. For example, you start with the quote and its meaning, shift to your own background, introduce the idea of courage with Jackie Robinson, and then move into your personal stories. Sometimes you use clear transitional words (“But at home, I learned…” and “Courage means…”), and sometimes you let new paragraphs signal a shift. While this works, adding a few more explicit transition phrases—like “For example,” “Because of this,” “In the same way,” or “On the other hand”—can make your writing flow even cleaner and help your reader see how your ideas relate.
If you peek at Argellis’s essay, you’ll notice even more connective tissue between ideas: they refer back to earlier points, blend in things like “however,” “as a result,” or “similarly,” and sometimes echo words or themes from one paragraph to another. This keeps the reader locked in and signals exactly how each story builds on the last.
Want to talk through strategies or sentence starters for stronger transitions? Or feel like jumping to how your sentences sound and grab attention? Let me know where you want to focus next!
And remember, you can revise your writing in the left pane any time. If you make some edits to transitions, I’d love to hear how you think it changes the flow!
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Next up, let’s talk about how your sentences sound and the variety in your writing—exactly what you wondered about at the start.
Varied Sentences – How does the writer keep it interesting?
Your sentences are mostly straightforward and clear, which makes your message easy to follow. That’s a great foundation! Sometimes, you use short sentences for impact: “I do not give up and I face my fears. I want to be someone different from what others expect.” You also mix in some longer sentences, which is a helpful way to keep your reader’s attention.
If you look at [Argellis’s essay](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0178/Argellis_s_Breaking_Barriers_essay.pdf) for inspiration, you’ll notice lots of sentence variety—a blend of long, descriptive lines and quick, to-the-point statements. Argellis also uses repetition for emphasis (“I am Courage!”), rhetorical questions (“You may ask yourself how did I use courage…”), and a bit of figurative language (“the wall she built did not protect me from the baseball field…”). These moves give the writing energy and voice.
Do you want to brainstorm ways you could shake up the rhythm and sound of your sentences? Or would you rather see comments on your conclusion and how you wrap things up? Just tell me what you’re curious about!
Ready to keep going, add some voice to your plan, or maybe experiment with a braver sentence in your next draft? You can revise any time in the left pane—what will your next step be?
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Let’s finish out by looking at your conclusion—an important move since it’s what the reader is left thinking about!
Conclusion – What final message does the writer leave you with?
Your conclusion echoes your opening quote and wraps up your main point: “Courage helps me reach my dreams. I want to be a forensic scientist and not let anything stop me. I am courage.” That last line, short and bold, stands out—it matches the confidence of Argellis’s repeated “I am Courage!” at the close of their [Breaking Barriers essay](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0178/Argellis_s_Breaking_Barriers_essay.pdf). According to the [U School Rubric](https://writingpartners.net/system/partners/0000/0177/U_School_Rubric_-ELA.4_Write_InformativeTexts.pdf), strong conclusions do more than summarize: they pull everything together, sometimes circle back to language or ideas from the beginning, and leave the reader with something to keep thinking about.
Want some ideas for making your ending even more memorable or moving? Maybe you could revisit an image from your intro, leave your audience with a challenge, or hint at how you’ll keep growing. Before we finish, would you like to explore more ways to bring your whole essay full circle, or focus on something else in your revision plan?
If you’re up for it, map out a step-by-step plan for adding more voice to your conclusion—maybe a dash of repetition, a question to the reader, or a return to that powerful quote. Is there anything else you want to work on as you revise?
And don’t forget: you can revise or edit your writing right now. If this is your document, you can make changes right there in the left pane.
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