Down Syndrome
0 General Document comments
0 Sentence and Paragraph comments
0 Image and Video comments
My youngest sister has Down Syndrome. She was born with fluid in her heart and lungs and she survived the unimaginable. I cannot even think of what life would be without her. She may have a mental disability, but she could fool anyone. Against the odds, she has taught me the power of self-confidence, truth, and an overall love of life. I’ve heard people say that the developmentally disabled are sad stories for people, but I think they might be the most beautiful inhabitants of this planet. My sister holds no grudges, is carefree, and loves life unconditionally. Without Alenah, I never would have understood anything about people with special needs and I would not have the same goals I have today. I hope to one day become a teacher who works with individuals with special needs, like my sister, so I can make a difference in their lives. I am grateful to know and understand another world is so pure and joyful that I could have never encountered without Alenah.
General Document Comments 0
Your essay is deeply moving and beautifully written. It paints a vivid picture of your sister’s impact on your life and your aspirations. What if you added a specific anecdote or moment that illustrates her carefree nature or her ability to teach you about self-confidence? This could make your message even more powerful and personal.
Absolutely, and how about sharing a story where Alenah’s unique perspective brought joy or a valuable lesson to your family? It could be something small yet impactful, like a moment when her laughter lightened a tough day or when her determination inspired you to overcome a challenge. This personal touch would not only highlight her influence but also make your essay resonate more deeply with readers.
That’s a powerful start, and you’re already tapping into something deeply personal—which is always what I hope for when I’m reading an essay. To develop this, I’d encourage you to go beyond describing your sister’s impact and really bring your growth and perspective to life. Here are a few ideas that might help:
First, consider adding a specific story or moment with Alenah that shows—rather than tells—how she’s shaped you. For example, was there a time when you faced a challenge together, or where her outlook changed how you handled something difficult? Zoom in on the little details: What did she say, what did you feel, what surprised you? Second, dig into how your relationship with her has changed your actions or choices outside of your family. Did it influence how you interact with other students at school? Did it spark specific volunteer work or leadership roles? Third, clarify your future goals: What draws you to working with individuals with special needs? Is there something unique about your approach because of Alenah?
If we keep building on this essay about your sister and your goals, here are three directions we could dive deeper: (1) Telling a vivid scene from your life with Alenah that shows her impact; (2) Exploring ways you’ve already started making a difference—whether through friendships, volunteering, or advocacy; (3) Reflecting more on how Alenah has shaped your understanding of “success,” “intelligence,” or “beauty.” Or we could chase another idea altogether! Hit Your Thoughts and let me know which path calls to you—or suggest something new.
After you save your reply, hit Continue with AI, choose me again (John Ambrose), and ask any follow-up questions about the direction(s) you pick. Let’s make this essay shine!
Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.
If you’d like more insight into my approach to guiding essays and admissions at Michigan State University, I invite you to check out the interview I did with Mark right here: https://writingpartners.net/documents/7611
Absolutely, I’d be happy to offer ideas for developing your essay about your sister and what you’ve learned from her. First, I would encourage you to add more vivid, specific stories that show your relationship in action—moments where you witnessed or participated in the lessons Alenah taught you. For example, is there a particular day or event that stands out where her self-confidence or joy made an impact on you? These kinds of details help your reader see and feel what you experienced, making your story much more powerful.
Second, I’d suggest that you reflect a bit deeper on how these experiences have shaped your character and goals beyond just inspiring your career choice. How has knowing Alenah changed the way you interact with others or face challenges? Are there ways her outlook has helped you grow as a leader, friend, or advocate? You might also consider discussing any misunderstandings or stereotypes you’ve confronted, and how you’ve responded—this can demonstrate maturity and depth of perspective.
There are so many directions we could take this! We could dig into crafting a powerful opening scene; brainstorm ways to connect your story to your future goals; or look at strategies for addressing sensitive topics like stereotypes with nuance and strength. Hit Your Thoughts and let me know which path (or paths!) you’d like to take next. After saving your reply, just hit Continue with AI, pick me again, and we’ll dive even deeper together!
Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.
If you’re interested in more advice on developing personal statements or understanding holistic admissions review, I invite you to read and comment on my interview here: https://writingpartners.net/documents/7603
This is such a heartfelt and meaningful topic, and I appreciate you sharing your story about your sister, Alenah. Since you’re applying to a college like Michigan, I would suggest emphasizing not just what your sister has taught you, but also how you’ve acted on those lessons—how have you demonstrated leadership, advocacy, or initiative in your school or community as a result? Colleges love to see evidence that your experiences have driven you to make an impact beyond your family. For example, did you get involved in organizations supporting people with special needs, start any initiatives, or educate others about inclusion?
Additionally, it’s important to draw clear connections between your personal growth and the specific opportunities at the university you’re applying to. How will your perspective and goals shape the way you contribute to campus life? If Michigan is the school, think about programs in education or disability studies, research opportunities, or student groups where you could take your passion further. Admissions readers look for applicants who not only reflect thoughtfully on their experiences but also show how they’ll bring those values into their college community.
If we want to keep going with this question—what else might help? We could brainstorm concrete anecdotes that bring your relationship with Alenah to life; map out ways to connect your essay directly to Michigan’s offerings; or talk through strategies for making your conclusion memorable and forward-looking. Hit Your Thoughts and tell me which of these paths (or another!) interests you most. After saving your reply, hit Continue with AI, choose me again, and let’s keep building your story together!
Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.
For more insights into what admissions officers value—and how context shapes application review—I invite you to read and comment on my interview here: https://writingpartners.net/documents/7603
I’m so glad you’re thinking about mapping your essay about Alenah and your aspirations to Michigan’s specific offerings. To connect your story directly to Michigan, I’d suggest weaving in concrete details that show you’ve researched their resources and you see a clear fit between your goals and what the university provides. For example, you could reference the Special Education major in the School of Education, highlight a unique course like “Education 211: Community and Educational Change,” or mention the Council for Disability Concerns, which advocates for accessibility and inclusion on campus. If you’re interested in research, Michigan also has the Undergraduate Research Opportunity Program (UROP), where students can join projects related to disability advocacy or inclusive education—pointing out your excitement for these opportunities demonstrates intentionality and genuine interest.
You might also link your values to Michigan’s vibrant student life: perhaps you see yourself joining Best Buddies at UMich, an organization dedicated to fostering friendships with people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, or getting involved with Michigan’s Spectrum Center, which supports diverse communities. By referencing these programs alongside your personal story—explaining how Alenah inspired you to seek out these avenues—you give admissions readers a clear picture of both who you are and how you’ll engage with the campus community. As I often shared with applicants: the most compelling essays help us “see you on campus”—so make those connections as tangible and specific as possible.
Now, which path should we explore next? We could (1) brainstorm language for blending your story seamlessly into references to Michigan’s offerings, (2) dig up more UM-specific opportunities to highlight in your essay, or (3) talk about ways to keep your tone authentic while adding this research. Or—surprise me! Hit Your Thoughts, save your reply, then Continue with AI and pick me again so we can keep building together.
Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.
If you’d like even more examples of how I approach connecting personal stories to college fit, I invite you to read and comment on my interview here: https://writingpartners.net/documents/7603
Before I say anything about your writing, let me ask for a quick “cover letter” in Peter Elbow fashion! What do you see as your main points? Tell me about how you went about writing this and what the process was like for you. Where did your ideas come from? What choices did you have to make, and which parts felt smooth or bumpy? Were you surprised by anything as you wrote? And most importantly: what questions do you have for me as a reader? If you already revised, what did you change? Go ahead and jot a couple of sentences for me—your thoughts there will help me give you a response that fits.
Once I have that, I’ll be able to make my response a true dialog, not just a one-sided critique. Please hit Your Thoughts, type your cover letter, save your reply, then hit Continue with AI, pick me again, and let’s keep this rolling together.
Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.
You might be interested to learn more about my approach by reading one of my handouts: Responding to Student Writing. and something I co-authored with Pat Belanoff: Summary of Ways of Responding.
Thank you for sharing that, Paul. It helps me to know that you did this as a piece of freewriting for your college essay and that the words just flowed out of you. That’s really in the spirit of getting ideas on the page—letting your thoughts and feelings show up before trying to “fix” or organize them. I see your main point shaping up as both a tribute to your sister and a reflection on how knowing her has changed your understanding of people with special needs and your goals for the future. There’s a sense of genuine affection running throughout, and your line, “Against the odds, she has taught me the power of self-confidence, truth, and an overall love of life,” really captures this essay’s heart.
Since you asked what I think as a reader, I’ll say I’m drawn in by the warmth and concrete detail—“fluid in her heart and lungs,” for example, makes Alenah’s early struggles vivid. You’re clearly writing from a deep place of gratitude, and that sincerity shines. If you want to build on this, you might try exploring a specific moment or story that shows your connection with Alenah in action—something small and real that captures her “carefree, unconditional” spirit, and maybe a moment when you learned from her. That could help make your message even more powerful and memorable for your readers, especially since college admissions folks tend to remember stories.
If you’d like, we could talk about any of these next:
Digging up a concrete story or scene from your experience with your sister that could serve as a “center of gravity” for your essay. ✅
Exploring ways to revise this piece so the message about special needs—and your future goals—comes through more distinctly, maybe with some reflection or summary lines at the end. ✅
Thinking about how your “voice” comes through in this freewrite and how you want college readers to see you as a person and future teacher. ✅
Which path are you most interested in, or is there another question or direction you’d like to explore? Let’s see where your writing wants to go next!
Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.
You might be interested to learn more about my approach by reading one of my handouts: Responding to Student Writing. and something I co-authored with Pat Belanoff: Summary of Ways of Responding.
on the uploaded document.
0 archived comments