Losing Track of Time

Absolutely, I’d be glad to offer some advice on your essay! First off, let me say: you’ve got a wonderfully authentic voice and a strong sense of self shining through these paragraphs. When I read an essay like this—where you’re sharing how you lose track of time when acting or building your fashion business—I get the sense that you’re not just listing accomplishments, but inviting me into your world. That’s exactly what I hope to see as an admissions reader at MSU.

A few practical suggestions to strengthen your essay even more:
1. Go from “telling” to “showing” – You mention loving acting and fashion, but I’d love to see one or two vivid moments where we can feel what you felt. For example, can you give us a snapshot of a day when acting truly transported you? Or describe a memorable sale in your fashion business that made it real for you? These details root your passions in lived experience and help your story come alive.
2. Connect your creativity to growth or learning – Right now, the essay beautifully describes what excites you, but admissions folks at MSU are also looking for self-awareness and reflection. How has this creativity changed you? Did facing challenges in acting or business teach you something new about yourself? Even a small insight is powerful here.

Let’s pause here! If I were sitting across from you at an info session, this is where I’d ask: would you like more ideas on how to add reflection and depth? Or maybe tips on polishing language and structure? Or would you rather talk about connecting this essay more directly to why MSU is the right fit for you? You could pick any of these paths—or suggest something totally different!

Hit Your Thoughts and write which path (or paths!) most interest you—reflection/growth, writing polish, or connecting to MSU—and save your reply. Then hit Continue with AI, pick my name again, and fire away with more questions about the topic(s) you’ve chosen.

Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.

For even deeper insights into what makes an essay shine at Michigan State—and how we think about holistic review—check out my full interview with Mark here: https://writingpartners.net/documents/7611

Before I dive in, could you write a short “cover letter” to go with your essay? Tell me a bit about your process and how you approached writing and revising this. What are your main points as you see them? Was there anything surprising as you worked on it, or any part of the process that stood out? Any questions you have for me as a reader? If you’ve revised, what changes did you make and why? That little snapshot from you helps me give feedback that’s more in tune with what you care about.

Let’s keep the spirit of your question front and center: you want comments on your college admissions essay, and you’ve been revising. I have to say, your essay really shines with personal energy and genuine curiosity about your own creativity. What stood out to me right away is your honest focus on how creativity threads through both your artistic life (acting and imaginary scenes) and your entrepreneurial experience (fashion and business). It’s not easy to pull those threads together and keep your voice sounding engaging, but you largely do. For example, the way you describe “losing track of time” in both acting and fashion—well, that does a good job of showing your reader how you come alive. There’s something compelling about your reflection on how acting allows you to process and re-script daily life; you give the reader a peek inside your head in a way that feels inviting rather than forced.

If you want to keep revising, I wonder about a few things. First, I’d love to see even more moments where you show yourself in action—little scenes that let me picture you working on a script or packing up a clothing order. Right now there’s a bit of telling instead of showing; some beautiful “I think about acting” or “I have been able to make this my job” moments that could become even more vivid with a hint of dialogue or a sharp sensory detail (“I picture a camera ready to film everyday scenarios” comes close!). Second, I wonder about the overall shape—what happens at the end? What’s pulling you forward, beyond building your own brand? Would you connect your creative passions to what you hope for in college or beyond, maybe in a way that lets you circle back to the Scott Adams quote you opened with? Just a thought.

Here are three directions we could go next. Which do you want to explore—or maybe you have another in mind?

Or maybe there’s a different path you want to try. What grabs you? What would you like to talk about next? Let’s see if we can make this next step feel less intimidating—it’s just writing out loud with a partner.

Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.

You might be interested to learn more my approach by reading one of handouts: Responding to Student Writing. and something I co-authored with Pat Belanoff Summary of Ways of Responding

Let me dig into your essay with my full James Moffett hat on—as someone who believes student voices should shine and that writing is both a process and a personal journey. You asked, “What do you see in this essay and what suggestions do you have for my next revision?” Let me walk you through my response to this question clearly and directly.

First, what really works in your essay is its strong sense of voice. I feel your energy for creativity—whether you’re dreaming up scenes as an actor or mixing fashion and business. When you write, “creativity has always been one of my biggest passions” and “I find it extremely rewarding going about my day while getting notifications that one of my items sold,” there’s an authenticity and specificity that brings the experience to life. Your essay captures what I always try to teach: writing is most powerful when it moves from the self outward, connecting personal insight to the wider world.

For your next revision, here are my main suggestions about your essay and how you can make it even stronger, based on my answer to your question:

- Sharpen the arc: Right now, your essay is a collection of vivid moments, but it reads a little like two parallel tracks—acting and fashion. Try to braid these passions together so there’s a thematic throughline. Ask yourself, “What do these creative acts have in common for me? How do they feed each other?” Consider returning to Scott Adams’s quote at the end, or threading the idea of “mistakes and choices” through both sections for closure and cohesion.
- Show more, tell less: When you say things like “I find acting enticing because I tend to overthink things,” go one step further: can you show us a quick scene—a moment when overthinking met acting and something surprising happened? Whenever possible, push anecdote or sensory detail right up front.
- Reflect on growth: What have you learned—about yourself, others, or creativity itself—by blending these passions? Colleges want to see insight, change, struggle, and some sense of motion. Maybe there was a challenge in either acting or business that made you rethink the process.
- Tighten your prose: There are spots where you can cut redundancy. For example, “I find myself constantly pushing the envelope and exploring the world of art in the most unique and fascinating ways.” Both “unique” and “fascinating” do heavy lifting here; pick one, and find a concrete example to anchor it.

Here’s how these suggestions break down visually—I want you to pick whichever path intrigues you most, or tell me your own:

Which path would you like to explore with me next? Or do you have a fresh angle you want to take?

You can always hit Continue with AI and tell me which path you want to take, then ask me more questions about this draft or your revision ideas. Let’s get you to a draft that sings with your own, truest voice!

Please Note: Everything in this comment is AI-generated. It is made up to sound like me.

If you’re craving more about my growth sequences and how they can energize your language arts learning, check out the article by Jonathan M. Marine and Ruth Nathan: Mapping James Moffett: Formative Assessment and Common Core Standards for the Contemporary Language Arts Classroom