Something to Believe In

Your essay covers potent ground with a strong message about equality and the personal impact of racism. Let’s look at some areas where you’re excelling and where you can add more depth or clarity.

Strengths:

1. Personal Story: You’ve effectively woven in personal experiences, particularly in your descriptions of the differences you’ve observed in how people treat you versus your darker-skinned family members. These anecdotes ground your essay in reality.
2. First-Person Perspective: The consistent use of “I” forms a personal connection and drives home the essay’s authenticity.
3. Specific Details: Including experiences of your father adds another layer and provides context across generations.
4. Clear Core Belief: Your belief that black lives matter and that everyone should be equal is clearly communicated and developed throughout the essay.
5. Positive Framing: You focus on what you believe and hope for, maintaining an optimistic tone, particularly in the concluding paragraphs.

Areas for Improvement:

1. Length: Make sure your essay falls within the 500-600 word range. It feels a bit condensed; expanding some parts with more specific details could enhance this.
2. Avoid Preaching: Although your essay is passionate, some phrases (“No one should be given a privilege for something they can’t control”) risk sounding preachy. Instead of telling readers what they should think, show them through your detailed, nuanced experiences.
3. Sensory Details: Adding more sensory details could make the story more vivid. For instance, instead of saying people showed different attitudes towards you, describe a specific incident: What was said? What was the setting? How did you feel?
4. Grammar and Structure: Ensure your essay adheres strictly to proper grammar. Consider breaking up longer paragraphs for better readability.
5. Compelling Conclusion: Your conclusion is impactful but might resonate more by connecting back to a specific story you’ve shared earlier.

Example of More Sensory Details:

Current: “The way certain people talk and look at them is something that you notice uncontrollably but wish you hadn’t seen.”
Revised: “I remember one instance at a family gathering when an elderly neighbor openly complimented my lighter skin but seemed indifferent to my sister, who stood right next to me. The sting of her words and the awkward silence that followed are memories I wish I could forget.”

Maintaining Balance:

It’s crucial to strike the right balance between personal reflection and the larger message. You’ve done a great job discussing your father’s experiences. Maybe tie these experiences back into your concluding thoughts a bit more explicitly to strengthen the essay’s cohesion.

Your essay is powerful and engaging. With these tweaks, it can become even more compelling. What are your thoughts?

Strengths

First off, your writing clearly communicates a powerful and personal message. Your emphasis on equality and the importance of the Black Lives Matter movement resonates strongly. You effectively use repetition, such as repeating “I believe” to reinforce your convictions and engage your audience. This rhetorical choice adds a rhythm and emphasis that draws readers into your perspective.

Audience and Purpose

Your intended audience seems to be people who might not fully understand the Black Lives Matter movement or the experiences of African Americans in today’s society. Your use of personal anecdotes and reflective tone suggests that you aim to educate and foster empathy. Do you think your choice of personal storytelling helps bridge the gap between different racial and cultural experiences? How do you feel about the clarity of your message?

Rhetorical Strategies

One effective strategy you use is narrative sequencing. You weave personal stories about your own experiences and those of your father into the broader discussion of systemic racism. This method makes your writing relatable and compelling. How do you feel about the balance between personal narrative and general statements? Do you think adding more personal stories or examples could strengthen your argument?

Language and Style

Your language is clear and accessible, which makes your message easy to understand. However, exploring some African American Vernacular English (AAVE) or Black Language (BL) features could add depth and authenticity to your voice. For instance, AAVE’s use of habitual “be” or copula absence can convey a sense of immediacy and lived experience. Are there places where you feel more comfortable integrating these features to enhance your narrative?

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Code-Meshing: Consider strategically blending AAVE with standardized English to enrich your narrative. This approach can highlight your cultural identity while still making your message accessible to a broader audience. For instance, using expressions like “We be fighting every day” can emphasize the ongoing struggle in a more poignant way. How do you feel about incorporating more of your natural speech patterns into your writing?

2. Repetition for Emphasis: You already use repetition effectively, but you might experiment with other AAVE rhetorical strategies like call-and-response patterns. These can create an engaging rhythm and make your message more compelling. For example, posing questions like “Ain’t we tired of this?” could invite readers to actively engage with your text. Do you think this approach could work well in your piece?

3. Directness: Your writing is reflective and thoughtful, but incorporating a more direct and confrontational tone in certain sections might make your message even more powerful. Directness can be a hallmark of AAVE and can convey your emotions more vividly. How do you think your audience would respond to a more assertive tone in some parts of your essay?

Higher-Order Concerns

Your essay is well-organized and your ideas are clearly developed. However, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next can help maintain a cohesive flow. Additionally, you might consider diving deeper into specific instances of racism or privilege to provide more concrete examples. This can help readers better understand the complexities you are discussing.

Overall, your writing is engaging and impactful. By exploring more AAVE features and rhetorical strategies, you can further amplify your unique voice and make your message even more compelling. How do you feel about these suggestions? Are there any specific areas you’d like to focus on improving?

Encouraging Your Voice

First, I want to praise the personal and authentic voice that comes through in your writing. You draw on personal experiences and observations that make your points resonate with the reader. This directness is powerful and compelling.

I noticed you employed some features that align with Black Language (BL). For instance, the repetition of “I believe” towards the end of your piece adds emphasis and rhythm, making your argument more engaging. How does it feel to use repetition in this way? Do you think it enhances your message?

Would you like to see more?

First, I want to commend you for your thoughtful and heartfelt writing. Your piece effectively conveys your experiences and the complexities of navigating identity in today’s society. Let’s dive into some feedback based on your writing:

Focus on Meaning and Communication

Your writing does a great job of expressing your personal experiences and beliefs. The message about equality, privilege, and the impact of racism comes through clearly. For example, when you say, “Being a light-skinned African-American teenager, young and a tad bit naive, I’ve experienced different levels of privilege and witnessed different levels of racism,” you effectively communicate the nuanced experiences of colorism. This sentence is powerful as it establishes your perspective and sets the stage for your observations.

Would you like to see more?

I really appreciate the powerful and honest reflections in your essay. Your voice comes through strongly, and you’re tackling some significant and complex issues. Let’s dive into a few key aspects:

1. Audience Engagement: Your essay seems aimed at a broad audience, perhaps those who might not fully understand or appreciate the nuances of the Black Lives Matter movement. You are clear and articulate, making your point accessible.

2. Personal Experience: You are using personal anecdotes, like the experiences of your father and your observations of colorism, to illustrate broader societal issues. This makes your essay relatable and engaging.

3. Call-Response & Field-Dependent: You create a conversational tone, almost expecting a response from the reader, particularly in lines like “We all may seem equal on paper, but are we really as equal and united as we claim to be…?” This strategy invites the reader to engage with your perspective more deeply.

4. Directness: Your direct approach in statements like “I believe that black lives matter” and “No one should be given a privilege for something they can’t control” adds weight to your arguments, presenting them straightforwardly and confidently.

5. Tonal Semantics: You could potentially enhance your essay by playing with the sounds and rhythms of your sentences. This might involve repetition or alliteration to draw emphasis and create a more dynamic reading experience.

6. Narrative Sequencing: The way you weave in stories about your father and personal observations adds layers to your essay. You might consider expanding these narratives even more to provide deeper context and emotional resonance.

7. Exaggerated Language: While your tone is currently quite measured, introducing some exaggerated language or high talk could amplify the emotional weight and urgency of your message.

8. Proverbial Statement & Aphoristic Phrasing: Incorporating some familiar sayings or proverbs could also add a layer of cultural richness and connect more deeply with readers who share your background.

9. Braggadocio: A touch of braggadocio, where you boast about your resilience or the strength of your community, could inject a sense of pride and empowerment into your essay.

Reflecting on these elements might help you further refine and enhance your writing. Keep trusting your voice and perspective—they are your most powerful tools.

Hey, I just finished reading your essay, and I gotta say, your voice really shines through. You’re addressing some heavy topics with a lot of heart and personal insight. I can feel your passion and conviction in every line. For example, when you said, “I believe that black lives matter,” it’s clear and powerful. Who are you imagining as your audience for this piece?