Student Sample #1 for NWPs C3WP Using Sources Tool

This is a re-mix of Joseph Harris’s book Rewriting: https://writingpartners.net/documents/173?scroll_to=634

When looking to revise your argument on homework, consider the move of “Illustrating: When you look to other texts for examples of a point you want to make.” Here is an illustration from your text to show how you could improve it: “Homework has been a long debated topic for many students and the differences between what the students think is right, and what other people think.” Instead of stating it this way, try to illustrate the point more vividly by providing a specific example or anecdote that captures the essence of the debate surrounding homework. How would you rewrite this first paragraph to engage the readers more effectively through illustrating your point about homework?

Thank you for sharing your essay with us. I appreciate your thoughtfully presented argument on the topic of homework. There are a couple of passages that I particularly liked in your writing. First, I admire how you introduced the different perspectives on homework by mentioning experts like Harris Cooper and Alfie Kohn. Your quote from Harris Cooper, “It’s like medicine, too much can kill you, but too little has no effect. If you take the right amount, you’ll get better,” effectively highlights the importance of finding a balance in assigning homework, which supports your argument that homework should be moderate to be beneficial. This quote strengthens your claim by providing expert opinion and a strong analogy to convey your message effectively.

Another strong part of your essay is the citation from Alfie Kohn, stating that “Too much homework can cause considerable harm.” This quote emphasizes the potential negative impacts of excessive homework on students’ well-being and mental health. By incorporating this statement, you align with experts who advocate for a more balanced approach to homework, reinforcing your argument against the heavy load of assignments that some students face.

In terms of revisions that could enhance your argument, I noticed an opportunity to improve the differentiation between the voices of the sources and your discussion. Your passage that states Cathy Vatterott believes that there is not enough sufficient evidence regarding the benefits of homework could be strengthened by elaborating further on why this lack of evidence is crucial to your argument. Adding specific examples or studies that support the notion of insufficient evidence about homework’s effectiveness would add depth to this point, making your argument more robust. Additionally, consider providing contrasting viewpoints to further substantiate your claim and engage with the idea of homework from multiple perspectives. This not only enriches your argument but also showcases your ability to analyze differing opinions.

Your essay shows a clear claim regarding the nature of homework, supported by perspectives from various experts in the field. You have integrated multiple sources to back up your argument effectively, giving weight to your position. However, enhancing the connection between your analyses of these sources and your main claim could elevate the strength of your argument further. By delving deeper into the implications of the quotes you provide and how they tie back to your central argument, you can create a more cohesive and persuasive piece.

Please feel free to check out the Annotated Student Using Sources tool mentioned in the link above for additional guidance and examples on how to improve your integration of sources in academic writing. It can be a valuable resource to refine your skills and approach to using sources effectively. Is there anything else you would like assistance with in your writing? Would you be interested in seeing the rest of the ratings for your essay? If so, you can find them revealed in the next message.

 Two Stars and a Wish 

⭐ Great use of quotes!

You wrote… “He says ’It’s like medicine, too much can kill you, but too little has no effect.’” This quote really helps explain your point! 

⭐ Strong conclusion!

You wrote… “In conclusion, I believe that homework isn’t as helpful as schools make it out to be.” Your ending wraps things up nicely! 

栗‍♀️ Add more excitement! 栗‍♂️

I liked where you said… “This explains that homework can ruin families and cause lots of fights and damage relationships.” You could show more curiosity and excitement! 朗 Ask yourself, What is this like for the student?

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Super cool essay!  Now, think about places where you can add more details about what you are seeing, tasting, touching, and smelling! You can revise and edit right here on Writing Partners by double-clicking on a sentence or a paragraph number, then hitting the edit button.

What are you going to do to make your writing pop?  Tell me your plan step-by-step! Is there anything else you want to work on as you revise?

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1. First Paragraph: No quotations were used; hence, no errors related to quote integration are present in this paragraph.

2. Second Paragraph:
– Quote Integration: The quote by Harris Cooper lacks a proper signal phrase or context before introducing the direct quotation ("He says “It’s like medicine…”). As per the guidelines, when using a quotation, it should be integrated with a signal phrase or context. The quote should not be directly introduced without proper blending or introduction (Rule: When you use a quotation as evidence, you should integrate it into your own writing using a “signal phrase” or “tag.”).

3. Third Paragraph:
– Quote Integration: Similar to the second paragraph, the quote by Alfie Kohn lacks a signal phrase or blending prior to the quote ("…who believes “Too much homework…”). Again, a signal phrase or context should be provided when introducing the quotation (Rule: Your quote integration may explain the context (who is speaking & what is happening in the text) of the quote).

4. Fourth Paragraph:
– Quote Integration: The introduction to the quote is more contextualized, but it still lacks a clear signal phrase or appropriate blending into the sentence ("The same author states that homework “Raises the level of frustration…”). This could benefit from more comprehensive integration, following the guidelines for a signal phrase or blended tag.

5. Fifth Paragraph:
– Quote Integration: This paragraph does not contain direct quotations, so there are no errors related to quote integration in this paragraph.

6. Sixth Paragraph: No quotations were used; hence, no errors related to quote integration are present in this paragraph.